


Moments In Time

by Daughter_Leilani



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Episode Related, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Gap Filler, Romantic Friendship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-10
Updated: 2016-11-27
Packaged: 2018-08-30 06:27:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8522107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daughter_Leilani/pseuds/Daughter_Leilani
Summary: Snippets of the evolving relationship of friends to more. Episode additions and in between moments.





	1. Persistence of Vision

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter name will include the episode the chapter references.

Chapter 1 - Post Persistence of Vision

 

When had it started? She couldn’t remember. Perhaps it was when he had gently touched her shoulder outside the cargo bay when she feared the number of crewmembers on the other side of the door, wishing to remain behind on the 37’s planet, and told her she wasn’t alone. Or maybe when he had quietly, almost shyly, asked her if she would pair off like the rest of the crew after he caught some ensigns kissing in the turbolift. But Voyager’s captain had been having some decidedly _un-captain_ like thoughts about her first officer for a few months. She shrank back a little deeper in the cushions as she stared through the windows in the mess hall. 

Everything had come to a head during the encounter with the Bothans. The aliens wrought havoc on the ship, forcing the crew to draw out some of their deepest thoughts. The thoughts that some crew members didn’t even realize they had were particularly disturbing. She shivered slightly recalling her conversation with Lieutenant Torres. The engineer hadn’t specified what she saw during the ‘vision’, but like Kathryn, she was disturbed by the imagery. 

Janeway hadn’t been surprised by seeing Mark on the screen or in the turbolift. The words he spoke to her, however, had rocked her to the core. She hadn’t even realized how many of her background thoughts involved Chakotay until the alien told her she was being unfaithful to Mark. She had has been startled, shocked at the accusation. She knew infidelity was more than just a physical act, and it wasn’t until that moment that she could see she was already straying with her heart. It seemed no accident that Mark had appeared just as she found Chakotay catatonic in the turbolift. 

Sipping gently from the ever present mug of steaming coffee in her hand, she recalled her agreement with Mark. The conversation had seemed so pointless at the time before they were even engaged. They had fought yet again about her missions taking her so far from Earth. He would have been pleased if she had promised to fly a desk for the rest of her life, but that wasn’t the path she wanted to follow. Her soul drew her to the stars. 

_“Kathryn, this mission is another reason why you need to slow down! How can we ever have a family if you are away from Earth for six months or more at a time?!” Mark fumed at her._

  _“It’s just to the outer rim and back, Mark. It isn’t like I’m going to disappear for years! I want to be in space! Why can’t we do both? Why can’t I have a family and work on a starship?” she yelled back, just as hotly._

_“I never said we can’t, Kath. Just consider for a moment if something happened to you. What if you disappeared? What if you were kidnapped and declared missing in action? What would that do a family? A child? To me?” he whispered._

  _She considered his words. How would her disappearance affect a child? Being an officer and a parent had always carried risk. Her own father had done it for years, but admittedly, he had stayed closer to Earth than she was lately. And ultimately, Starfleet had taken him away from her when she was far too young._

  _“When one day you disappear,” he started again. “How long do I wait for you? How long will you make me suffer, wondering if you are alive? A month? A year? Ten years? That’s no way to live, Kath. And that’s no way to treat a child.”_

_Her anger surged._

_“Would you leave me if one of my missions lasted longer than planned?! If that’s the case, why are you with me now?!” she fumed._

  _He rushed to her side and gathered her close, his clothes absorbing the tears she didn’t realize she was crying. He rubbed her back gently as she gripped the back of his shirt._

  _“I’m with you because I love you. And I’m scared of losing you. Forgive me for pushing you. I want for you to be home with me and our children one day, but I know that's not what you want right now. You want to be in space, and I won’t stop you. I’m just afraid of living without you. Every time you leave, I wonder if I will see you again.”_

  _She snuggled into his warm embrace and thought about his words. He was right. Her professional was dangerous. If it were him missing, how long would she hope for his safe return? As much as she loved him, she didn’t want to think about him waiting hopelessly for ten years if she died or was missing in action. It was a terrible existence, wondering and hoping that someone you love will come back._

  _“At least two years,” she whispered. He pulled away to look down at her in question. “I couldn’t imagine getting over you in less than two years. You are a hard habit to shake.”_

_Mark’s laugh diffused the tense moment. She rubbed her cheek against his chest and breathed in his cologne._

  _“I agreed to one more mission, Mark. A short one this time, only three weeks. The ship is going into Badlands to find a renegade. Once that’s completed, we can talk about slowing my career down. They want me to captain her permanently, but I don’t have to. If you really want me to stay on Earth, we can explore what options I have.”_

  _She pulled away to see the astonishment in his eyes. He leaned down and kissed her deeply, whispering a ‘thank you’ against her mouth as he wrapped her in his arms._

Janeway shook herself out of the memory as she heard the next wave of hungry crew members enter the mess hall. She drained the rest of her coffee and rose to recycle the cup. She remembered the night after that argument well. After she promised to consider moving into a safer position, Mark had led her outside under the stars and dropped to one knee. He didn’t know that she wasn’t sure she could make good on that promise. Space was in her very DNA. It was a core part of her identity and she wasn’t sure she could be without it. However, for the sake of her lover, she was willing to consider it, if she could find a position challenging enough for her.

 Now, now of course, none of that mattered. She _was_ lost and missing in action. And poor Mark was living his greatest fear, wondering if she were alive. She could only hope that he would find someone. She couldn’t bear to think of him pining for her from so far away. Her own heart had already started to let him go without her realizing it. She only hoped he could release her as well one day.

  



	2. Maneuvers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Immediately following ep Maneuvers

Chapter 2 - post Maneuvers

She put Mark’s picture away today. She removed the silver framed image from her desk, and the one in her quarters went into a storage locker. Ten months. That was how long she had been missing. Mark was fading more quickly from her every day thoughts. She even had trouble remembering his voice sometimes. His face was no longer the first image in her mind each morning. Her hands paused on the brush she was running through her hair.

A new image, a terrifying one, crept into her mind. She closed her eyes against the memory of Chakotay’s beaten body when he was beamed to sickbay. After Tuvok made the arrangements for the exchange of the Kazon leaders for their first officer, she had moved quickly to give Chakotay a piece of her mind. The angry words had died on her lips when she entered sickbay and saw his bruised and bleeding body. His dear face, swollen and discolored, told the tale of his capture. She could only imagine what other marks were hidden beneath the uniform.

She glanced up from her brush to peer at herself in the mirror of her bathroom. She studied the new worry lines appearing along her eyes and lips. The man in the next room caused more of those than she cared to admit. She had been simultaneously terrified and angry the entire time his shuttle was missing. The knowledge that he didn’t expect to survive his attempt to destroy the transporter had clinched a part of her soul that had never been touched. Not even by Mark, she was embarrassed to admit. No, the notion that Chakotay could be dead caused far more damage than any separation from Mark ever could have.

She and Chakotay had shared so much. Yet, still it seemed to be only a fraction of what could be. Learning about his heritage and the animal guides had been one of the most personal experiences she had ever shared with a man, Mark included. The big man had easily made room for himself in her heart, pushing Mark into a smaller and smaller section until eventually, he would disappear. That was part of why this hurt so much.

She clipped her long hair back into a tail at her neck. Settling on her chaise in the sleeping area, she opened her novel to read. She found herself staring out into the empty room again instead of concentrating on the words written on the pages. She thought they had come to an understanding. She thought they were at least friends. A friend wouldn’t run off like he had, and endanger his own life. On a base level, she understood why he had done it. B’Elanna’s insights into his behaviour made a lot of sense. She had to admit, if the situation were reversed, she would have been tempted to handle it alone as well. That was one of her character flaws according to Starfleet Command; the tendency to take absolute responsibility for a situation with only the vaguest piece of actual ownership of blame.

She closed the book and set it aside to rest her hands on her stomach. The unconscious movement drew her thoughts to the latest bit of news on the Seska front, Chakotay’s impending fatherhood. Seska had effectively raped him, yet another personal stab delivered in view of the bridge crew by the vicious Cardassian. The physical assaults he had endured had softened her resolve on his punishment. He seemed genuinely remorseful in the Ready Room when he told her he had let her down, and he seemed to take being put on report to heart.

A sound startled her out of her musings on the chaise. She gently maneuvered off the chair and stepped into her living area to see a transport in progress. As she watched, a single rose in a vase materialized on her desk. She moved closer to it to inspect the gift. It was a peace rose as a peace offering. She ran her hand over the delicate petals of the rose in full bloom. Her fingertip caught on a ribbon leading off the far side of the flower. Tied to the ribbon was a piece of parchment with her first officer’s delicate handwriting.

_I’m sorry._

Her mouth upturned into a gentle smile. He hadn’t even bothered signing it. She would know it was from him. She bent to inhale its sweet scent for a moment before turning back to her bedroom. The curve of her lips remained as she slid between the sheets in her pink silk gown. They would be okay. All relationships, friendship or otherwise, had snags. It was the little gestures, like the rose, that told her he would fight to regain her trust, and she was more than willing to give it.

 


	3. Investigations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Immediately followed ep Investigations

Chapter 3 - Investigations

Chakotay stared out of the viewport in his dimly lit quarters. He had watched ‘A Briefing With Neelix’ and saw Paris’s apology to him for his insubordinate behavior. It still didn’t silence all the anger inside him. Once again, he’d been played like a fiddle. Both by Jonas and Janeway. Tom Paris had probably been all too eager to make a fool of the first officer. It must have been a game. Tuvok, Seska, Jonas, Paris, Janeway… all of them toying with his feelings, his values, and cackling behind his back when he fell on his face. It didn’t matter who was winning the game, he always lost.

Angrily he shoved himself up out of the chair and moved toward the transparent aluminum separating him from the cold vacuum. He leaned his forehead against the clear bulkhead and closed his eyes. How easy would it be to allow the anger to boil up, controlling him as he used to allow it to. It would allow him to lash out and seek retribution for being wronged, but that wasn’t who he was anymore. And certainly not who he was trying hard to become. His door chime interrupted his sour mood.

“Come.”

He didn’t move as his guest entered his domain. He assumed they would make their presence known; most likely it was B’Elanna coming to rail about another Maquis traitor.

“Hi,” the voice said.

He whipped his head back toward his door. That definitely wasn’t B’Elanna standing in his quarters. Kathryn Janeway stood awkwardly next to his desk just outside of the sensor range for his door. Her hands were knotted behind her back and she shuffled uncomfortably, shifting her weight from foot to foot.

“Hi,” he replied.

He wasn’t sure why she was in his space. He didn’t feel like this was an official visit, so he avoided her title. He certainly wasn’t going to use her name without permission, so he didn’t use any term at all. He rested his weight against the bulkhead, his back to the glass, and crossed his ankles, stretching his arms out to either side.

“I wanted to apologize. I didn’t want to keep you out of the loop. But Tuvok…” her voice faltered. She blinked several times and he thought maybe she was trying to hold back tears. After a moment, her voice returned with only a small waiver.

“No, this is my fault,” she whispered. “I should not have kept the investigation from you. I’m sorry.”

He let the words hang between them for several heartbeats, his face not giving away any hint of acceptance of her apology. Then he smiled gently and relaxed his powerful posture. Her relief was instant as her shoulders dropped some of their rigid stance.

“Let’s just agree to not keep secrets anymore, okay?” he offered, stepping toward her.

“No secrets,” she replied. “Okay. I’m Kathryn Janeway and my secret is that I felt extremely embarrassed to be carrying a flower to my first officer’s quarters.”

He paused his step toward her with a confused expression. She lifted her hands from behind her back and produced a single peace rose in a vase with parchment attached.

“I know this has been done, but I’m not very good at original ideas for an apology,” she laughed.

“It’s perfect. Apology accepted,” he replied, taking the vase from her hands and placing it on his desk. He turned back toward her and noticed with a grin that she was shuffling her feet again.

“Well, I have alpha shift in the morning,” she finally said.

“As do I.”

“Well, then we better get to bed.”

He couldn’t help but laugh when her face reddened as she heard her own words spoken. The unintentional innuendo must have embarrassed her more than carrying the flower. He decided to spare her distress and moved toward his own door to trigger it open for her.

“We should. Pleasant dreams,” he said, laughter bubbling just below the surface.

She pulled herself together and looked him in the eye as she passed into the hallway.

“You too, Chakotay.”

The door slid closed and he moved back toward his desk, and the peace rose with her note. He fingered the soft paper gently, caressing the perfect cursive writing. He laughed softly at her words.

_Me too. - K_

 


	4. Mid Resolutions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Immediately following the Angry Warrior story. This is where some canon differences will start appearing. Minor ep changes.

Chapter 4 - Resolutions - Immediately following the parameters scene

He stroked her thumb gently with his as he watched the tears gather in her eyes. Telling her he loved her, even in the indirect way he had done it, was a freeing experience for him. Their lives had taken such unexpected twists and turns. He was nowhere near where he thought he would be at this point in his life. He never imagined being on the other side of the galaxy, wearing a Starfleet uniform again, or meeting such a remarkable woman. And now that he had, he couldn’t bring himself to regret anything, even their isolation on this planet. He watched her steady herself and open her mouth to speak.

“Chakotay…” she whispered. “I’m touched by this. Really I am…”

His smile faltered.

“Chakotay,” she started again, meeting his eyes and taking his other hand in hers, so they were both clasped across the table. “I have strong feelings for you as well. But… I’m not ready.”

He glanced down at the table, his eyes wandering over their joined fingers.

“Mark,” he replied.

Janeway nodded slightly, another tear ran down her cheek. “I have to tell you… remember the night we talked in your quarters? After we flushed out Jonas in Engineering?”

“Yes,” he answered.

“No secrets… ever. So I have to explain why I need to wait, just a little longer.”

Chakotay took a deep breath and nodded for her to continue.

“My heart had already started letting Mark go long before that night. Someone else, a tall, dark, and handsome warrior had been in my thoughts for some time…”

He smiled again, almost shy. She pressed on.

“Before I left Earth, Mark and I fought about my deep space missions. I promised him after Voyager’s initial mission was completed, I would explore options closer to Earth so we could have a family. To be honest, I never could have kept that promise, although I didn’t realize it at the time I made it.”

He was surprised at her confession. He would not have believed she would make a promise she didn’t intend to keep. Although, for a man to ask her to change who she was for him was equally unimaginable. She was still speaking.

“He was asking if something happened to me, how long should he wait for me?”

He spoke without thinking. “Forever.”

She also glanced away with a shy smile of her own, shaking her head at his passionate word. She had no doubts he would wait for her if he were in Mark’s position. They were connected on a level much deeper than anything she had experienced before; not with Mark, and not even with Justin.

“I said I didn’t want him to wait forever for me,” she replied. “In sort of a joke moment, I set two years for a deadline. It didn’t mean much then, but it’s all I have to go on now.”

“It’s been nearly two years,” he whispered to her.

“Yes… twenty months actually. Four months shy of that two year deadline.”

He gripped her hands tighter across the table.

“I can wait four months,” he replied. “I’m willing to… for you.”

Her smile grew as another tear fell. “Thank you.”


	5. Post Resolutions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Immediately following Resolutions ep. Pre-fire chamber temperature? Really? :)

Chapter 5 - Post resolutions - On Board Voyager.

Kathryn stared at the screen on her monitor in the Ready Room. It had long ago hidden it’s contents and she found herself unconcerned as she stared at a blank screen. Her thoughts were far away from the reports scattered across her desk. She had begun to accept her new life on the planet not so different from her homeworld. She was proud of what they had built together. Not just their shelter and garden, but the stronger relationship she was only beginning to enjoy with him.

She sighed as she rested her chin in the palm of her hand. She had felt free and happy in their Eden. For the first time in her life, her soul was no longer screaming for the stars. She had been content with him at her side. But it wasn’t meant to be. Now that they were back on Voyager, her confusion over her feelings compounded.

Chakotay had done all he could on that planet to comfort her and make her happy. He cooked, he was an excellent craftsman, and a thoughtful friend. He did all those things not because he had to, but because he had wanted to. And she found that she wanted to enjoy them, and him, more than she had ever thought possible. She was content to plan her garden and her life with him, even if that meant never being among the stars again. That was the crux of the problem.

Most of her musings, she had already shared with the man in question. The one bit he didn’t know, was the most damning. With only three months left on Mark’s two year deadline, and knowing that it was impossible for them to ever leave the planet, she had decided that Mark would want her to be happy too. She had planned to kiss Chakotay for the first time the very night Tuvok’s call came through their comm badges. The moment she heard the crackle and static through the small device, her heart shattered again.

Chakotay had given her a tight but sad smile as they acknowledged Voyager’s impending arrival to take them away. He knew all they had gained on the beautiful world was going to fall away with the uniforms on their bodies. He knew, or at least he thought he knew, that they would fall back within the Starfleet lines and forget all that was said at a tiny table in their shelter. But she couldn’t forget all that had happened. She couldn’t ignore the way her feelings evolved, or how she had planned to throw caution to the wind without waiting for Mark. What could that mean moving forward on the deck of a starship?

Starfleet frowned on a romantic involvement between senior officers on a long term mission. However, certain circumstances allowed the unwritten rules to be broken. She recalled her long time friend and fellow command officer, Will Riker. She had recalled recently that Will had a very long term relationship his ship’s counselor, while they were still serving together. Starfleet not only failed to prohibit the relationship, but had actually encouraged it. Will had told Kathryn it was only a matter of time before he planned to marry Deanna Troi. Why could Riker have that kind of intimate bond aboard ship and she couldn’t?

Her shoulders shook slightly with a defeated sigh. She was the captain and her ship was lost. That was the difference. The guidelines could be bent for relationships in the Alpha Quadrant, where there were multitudes of ships available with options for transfer if something didn’t work out. Out here, they had no such luxury. A failed relationship could be disastrous considering how intense her own personality could be at times. Not that she believed her potential relationship with Chakotay would fail. Far from it. She knew it would be one of the most rewarding, and permanent, relationships of her life. Whether they pursued it romantically now, in ten years, or never, he would be a part of her very soul until the day she died.

That being said, she didn’t want to wait until they were back in their home quadrant to explore her feelings for him. The depth of feeling couldn’t be measured. She felt like she was standing on an underwater precipice, knowing that taking the dive would reveal the greatest mysteries, but also with it, a chance she couldn’t resurface and drown in the depths. Her door chime was not surprising. She knew he would come. It was 1800 hours.

He stepped through the doorway at her command and took a seat across from her at the desk. She thought she saw his hand shake as he slid a report across the smooth surface.

“Updated status reports for weapons, shields, and sensors as requested. Pre-fire chamber temperature is back to normal,” he finally said, avoiding her gaze.

She reached out and caught his hand before he could withdraw it from the desk. He slowly dragged his eyes up from their joined hands to meet her blue eyes.

“Are you okay?” Kathryn asked softly.

“No,” he replied, dropping his brown eyes back to their hands. He took several steadying breaths before meeting her gaze again. “I don’t want to lose what we had back there.”

“We won’t.”

“Won’t we? Are you going to tell me in three months time, when Mark’s two year deadline runs out, that you will be willing to let me love you? Because I don’t think so.”

Chakotay’s words were direct and sharp. They cut her far deeper than she anticipated they would. He had to have known what she was thinking before he came in her sanctuary. He thought she had already made the decision. She squeezed his hand, silently asking for him to look at her once more.

“I don’t know, is the honest answer. Things were…. Easy… on New Earth. There was no one coming for us; no chance of returning home. But now, I have to follow my promise of two years,” she whispered.

“And after that?”

“I don’t know… There’s a reason Captains don’t usually have shipboard romances.”

He pulled his hand from hers, raking it through his hair as he stood and moved away from her desk toward the viewport. He stood for several minutes in silence, his arms crossed over his chest, looking out at the stars streaking past.

“I want to wait for you,” he whispered, so quietly she had to strain to hear him from her place at the desk. He turned sharply to face her, intimidating even though he was several meters away from her. “But that’s a hell of a commitment from me with so little in return. You want me to wait, possibly for the rest of our lives, in hopes that we get home before we die.”

She pushed away from her desk and stepped toward him on the upper level. He watched her every movement without relaxing his stance. His breathing quickened when she placed her hand on his crossed forearms.

“I would never ask it of you,” she whispered, rubbing her thumb along his arm.

He dropped his chin to his chest before he quietly replied. “Would it matter if I tried to argue?”

She said nothing, continuing the motion of her thumb. She knew how hard this was for him. It was damned hard for her as well. He had to know that his arguments wouldn’t matter. They may not like the unwritten guidelines. But that certainly didn’t make them invalid. Most romances involving senior staff ended ugly. They both knew it. That’s why it is generally frowned upon. Statistically speaking, theirs would likely end the same, even if her heart said otherwise. After several moments of her silence, he finally nodded slightly and uncrossed his arms.

“Well, Captain, I have some additional items to unpack from our stay. Am I dismissed?”

She straightened and swallowed the lump in her throat as best she could.

“Dismissed Commander.”

He moved away and gently stepped down to the lower level. Just before triggering the door, he turned back to her.

“Just because you didn’t ask me to make the commitment, doesn’t mean I haven’t already done it.”

And he stepped through the doorway back onto the bridge.


	6. Basics

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place immediately after ep Basics.

Kathryn stepped out of the turbolift on Deck Two with a relaxed stride. Her calm exterior belied the nervousness in her heart. The Doctor had just cleared the last of the crew of illness or injury from their stay on Hanon IV. The dead Kazon had been removed and repairs were underway. Seska’s body lay in the morgue awaiting Janeway’s decision on how to handle burial. As the EMH had ran his scanner over her body, he had commented quietly that she may want to check on Chakotay. He had seemed a bit off after examining Seska’s remains, the Doctor said. She had nodded and worked on pinning her hair up.

Who wouldn’t be feeling confused? The woman had played them all, more than once. And Chakotay… His heart was trampled once again, this time by the tiny feet of a child that was never his to begin with. Cullah had abandoned ship with the child in his arms. Tom Paris had done all he could with the Talaxians on board, but hadn’t been able to stop the Kazon from taking the baby. The Doctor had used the comm system to let the Janeway know the child was never their First Officer’s. There had been no time to analyze the news as retaking the ship was the top priority. Now that the initial work was completed, her priority had shifted to her grieving and confused friend.

Entering the mess, she was unsurprised to find the room dark, lit only by the passing stars at warp. His outline stood out in contrast to the starscape. He was seated on the couch facing the viewport, a mug of what she presumed to be tea in his left hand, resting on his knee. He hadn’t noticed her entrance and didn’t react as she lifted the mug from his hand and walked to the replicator to replace the cold tea with a fresh one, and a coffee for herself. She took the seat beside him and watched him lean forward to cradle the hot mug between his large hands. He stared at the steam for several moments as she sipped her coffee. Kathryn waited patiently for him to gather his thoughts as they sat side by side in silence.

“I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel,” he finally said into the mug before taking a large swallow.

“Are you supposed to feel a certain way? Is there a guideline for this?”

He huffed a quiet laugh and swirled his tea in the cup. He took another sip before placing the cup back on his knee and resting his right hand on his other knee.

“How do I stop grieving for a child that was never mine?” he whispered, lowering his head.

“I’ve always believed blood isn’t what makes a relation. You accepted that child. We all did. He may not have been biologically yours, but that doesn’t change the feelings of loss.”

She paused for several seconds and watched his reaction. “Do you regret that we let Cullah take him?” she finally asked.

“No,” he replied. “The child was Cullah’s. It would have been wrong to take him away from his father. But… I wanted him to be mine.”

She contemplated his quiet confession. This wasn’t news to her. Family, and children in particular were highly valued in Chakotay’s tribe. They had talked about his vision of Kolopak before deciding to go after Seska. She knew once he had accepted the child into his heart, DNA no longer mattered. And this grief was a natural response for him. There seemed to be nothing more to say, so she simply lifted her left hand and covered his right on his knee. No other words were needed. His fingers closed tightly around hers as tears gathered on his lashes. He never let them fall. Together, they gripped each other’s hands, sipped their drinks, and stared into the passing starlight.

 


End file.
